Seductions

As I mentioned not too long ago, I woke up from my millennia of death in a body that was not only alien to me, but rather - shall we say - lived in. One not especially careful owner; mileage unknown, but large. Did I mention then how horrified I was by the sagging white flesh around the middle? By the hairs that sprouted in delicate pairs from the nostrils? By the spindly arms and failing eyes? In my day, we understood that the body is the image of the soul, and took these things with the seriousness they deserve! Even in my advancing years I managed to keep my chest broad and brown and my waist narrow, and my beard (a kingly affectation) was always oiled into the neatest little curls.

It won't surprise you then that my charms did not go un-noticed by the various girl-folk of my palaces and villas. And the young men too were powerless to resist me, though the barbarian morals of my ghastly subjects prevented me from straying in that direction over-much. Un-charitable indeed to think that my success was a consequence of my rank! Quite the contrary - I was a most accomplished seducer, winking and insinuating myself into more beds than anyone else in Tiberias. There was one young man who was my rival, but after I (quite humourously!) threated to cut his nose off, he left town. Cowardly swine!

Alas, those days are gone now. This morning I directed my sweetest and most saucy stare at a passing beauty, and received the most aweful grimmace in return. I was quite shattered! It seems that the science of sex has advanced in the years that I've been gone, so I've spent the evening catching up by reading poetry. Poets always had all the girls in the old days; a few anapaests and a sad look and the girls would eat from their hands. Now I've learnt the way things are done these days - and as soon as I can get this scruffy, horrible body into some sort of shape - I'll be unstoppable. Mark but this flea!